Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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