wrigley field is MILF paradise
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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