four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
