god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
