turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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