she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
