when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
