Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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