You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
