I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
