My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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