how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
