i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
