I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
