Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
