So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
