Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
pray to the hookup gods
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
