there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
