I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
