Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
