I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
