What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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