we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
