Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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