Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
