So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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