I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
