you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
