I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
