Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
