So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
