bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
