I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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