I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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