I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
