im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there's paper in my vomit.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
