You work out of a Hotel?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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