doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
