i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
