Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
