The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
