So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
