Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
