So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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