I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
