Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
