Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
