just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
