i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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