I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
