i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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