Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
