Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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