you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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