Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
