I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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