u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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