I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
